What Are You Running From?

I was constantly running, literally and figuratively
Running away from fear
Dodging vulnerability
Slipping past confrontation, with a sweet smile plastered on my face
I’d slide my Asics on and pound pavement for hours on my own
A part of me feels I chose longer races, because it gave me more time in my head
More time to run from feelings, sensations and my body
It distracted me
It gave me an identity
If I didn’t know who I was, then at least I could be the gym bunny, runner or the fit girl
The girl that ran marathons
It gave me a sense of significance and accomplishment
I was somebody
And I did something the majority of people didn’t
Yet, there was a hollowness
A continual seeking for more
I ran from intimacy, thinking when the right person came along I’d suddenly be who I desired to be
Open, expressive and vulnerable
When things started to spiral I wanted to run from life
To find an island I could rest on for a year
I learned on a visceral level that wherever you go, there you are
And when my body forced me to stop running literally, I was also forced to stop running from everything else
I resisted at first
I didn’t know how to be with it and so I’d put my running shoes back on and head out
Something had shifted though because I didn’t get the same reprieve
I couldn’t run as far
I traded my Asics in for a yoga mat
Slowly but surely, I met myself
I met my pain, my fear, my shame and my inner child.
I met my inner critic, beliefs and identities that were running the show
I began to remove masks and reveal more of who I really was
I discovered truths, creativity and expression
I moved from girl to woman
I started to access my heart, as the shield dropped
I discovered the power and beauty within that pain
It softened me
It opened me
Unlike the suffering creating by running, which hardened and closed me
I tapped into depths of my vulnerability
Experienced more intimacy than I knew my soul desired
There are still moments when I want to run
In those moments I now have so much more awareness and can create the safety that part of myself needs
Now there are days I pull out the running shoes and instead of running, I spend time in nature feeling my heart beat
Feeling the burn in my lungs and legs as I climb a hill
I feel the cool morning air, the stillness of the forest
That stillness reminds me of all the subtleties that can be picked up in silence
The unspokens and unexpressed
The secrets and whispers
Stillness is something I crave now
Something I’ve developed a relationship with
And something I learn so much from
What do you run from?