A well of nothingness.
A hollow ache, pleading to be filled.
I’ve felt alone in a room full of people,
even those close to me, just as I’ve felt lonely by myself.
A longing for something I couldn’t name before,
but tried to full with food, or avoid with hours of exercise.
A longing for what I now know was connection.
To be seen and known.
To see and know.
And fear to let others get too close.
To get too close myself.
An inner contradiction.
See me, but don’t.
Know me, but not really.
See myself, but only on the surface and only if I’ve been doing “good” at managing my body to fit the ideal.
Know myself, but bypass what the world has taught you is not likeable.
Share you soft heart, but also keep the vault closed to stay safe.
Share your deepest wounds because you’re human too,
but also hide them because they make you weak.
Don’t steep in “victim” mentality.
Share your creative, expressive soul,
but also be careful what you share so you can avoid rejection.
Share your quirky authentic self,
but tame it down or you’ll be judged.
Share your gentle sensitivity, but be stronger, louder, more energetic and outgoing.
Turn towards what you’re feeling,
no wait, what do they need?
Don’t look inside, it’s too much.
You’re too big.
Go to the gym and restrict your food again.
A lack of connection with others.
A lack of connection with self.
And so we try to fill the void with shallow relationships,
alcohol & drugs,
more likes & followers.
More of everything but what will actually fill the dark cavern of disconnection.
Cultivating enough inner safety is needed to begin to deepen into connection with self and others.
In the process you begin to realize your innate wholeness.
And this wholeness, through connection,
fills the spaces that loneliness hollowed out.
And alone, no longer means bystander or wallflower, but fellow human.